So much of my life I’ve been told that I am “too much” and that has, at times in my life, really worn me down. I know that I have a big personality. I’m awkward. I cuss too frequently. I talk too much. I laugh too loud. I over-share. I cry too often. Maybe all of that makes some people feel uncomfortable. I don’t know. I don’t really understand. It’s just who I am and unless I’m trying really hard to suppress myself, I can’t exactly help it.
The thing is, that for a long time, I believed that there was something wrong with me. It made living inside of my skin extremely uncomfortable. Unbearable, even.
Lately though… I mean, maybe in the last 10 years or so… I’ve started to wonder what was really going on? I mean, how can you be “too much” of who you are? Is it that there’s something wrong with me, or could it possibly be that the people who told me there was something wrong with me might just be wrong themselves?
I’m not going to lie. I do better with just allowing myself to be me these days. But there are times… still so many – too many – times… that I wonder if maybe there is actually something wrong with me. Maybe I really and truly am too much… maybe I’m broken in some fundamental way that I can’t really understand because, well, maybe I’m just wired wrong.
I’ll tell you what though… these days, more often than not, I snap myself out of it. I have fun. I laugh. I play. I enjoy life. I cry. I feel everything so deeply. Maybe even TOO deeply. Honestly, though, I would rather be “too much” for some people than “not enough” for me.
It scares the hell out of me sometimes. But the rewards of dancing out on the edge of “normal” and “acceptable” (and sometimes going right over that edge and free-falling out into space) are something I wouldn’t trade for anything in the world. Not even for security.
Yes, oh yes. I’m learning!